Some Questions to Consider when selecting a Wife

Readership: Christian Men

A prudent wife is from the Lord. Proverbs 19:14.

            As a Christian, you are only free to marry “in the Lord,” that is, with a fellow Christian. That your future spouse be a believer is the most basic requirement as a Christian. We are called to not be unequally yoked – with anyone. 2 Corinthians 6:14. That means we are not to be bound. The imagery of the word “yoked” is two oxen being yoked to a single plow. In more modern terms, you want to be “on the same page” with others – or not be “on the same page” with unbelievers.

           Being equally yoked with a spouse calls for investigation of her beliefs, doctrinal stances, maturity, etc. Is she also compatible with you in other areas?

            The following questions are not an extensive list of every question you should ask. However, it is a list to get you thinking, and a list that you should consult throughout the relationship.

            Prior to asking a prospective spouse these questions, a man should be able to answer these questions about himself. He should also have a set standard as to what is negotiable, and what is non-negotiable in selecting a wife (a helpmeet).  In selecting a wife, you will need to evaluate: her, her family, and her friends. Observe others who influence her, and determine what their answers to these questions would be as well.

  • BELIEFS
    • What are her goals/desires in life?
      • Is it to be a wife, a mother, or something else? Many women feel pressure to say they don’t want to be moms, because contrary to popular belief, many, if not most churches pressure women to be successful in the eyes of the world. (For context, this true even in the reformed protestant world, with churches associated with Ligonier or The Masters Seminary).
  • What lifestyle does she want?
    • Rural
    • Suburban
    • Urban
  • What is her viewpoint on sin?
    • Is she responsible for her actions?
  • What does she believe about divorce?
    • Adultery?
    • Women who cheat/leave?
    • Does she “slut shame”?
  • What is her ideal friend group?
    • How many people?
    • Under what context?
      • Activities
      • Groups of people- what types?
      • Are her friendships superficial? Proverbs 18:24
    • What are her thoughts on male-female friendships?
  • What boundaries does she expect to have in marriage?
    • For herself, and
    • For her husband
  • PRACTICAL MATTERS
    • Can she cook?
      • Can she meal plan?
      • How does she shop?
  • Is she controlled by either of her parents?
    • Does the parent exert an unhealthy control/influence, to the point that it will interfere with your marriage?
  • Does she want children?
    • Does she believe in birth control?
  • Is she employed or in school?
  • Does she have debt?
  • What is her overall health?
  • How does she want to raise kids?
    • Home school, private, or public?
  • DEMEANOR
    • Is she respectful of others, and of you?
      • Is she on time, or late?
      • How does she treat peers?
      • How does she treat her parents/authority?
      • Does she care for others?
      • What will she do if a friend criticizes her own husband? Or you?
      • Does she seek to understand others, or just try to hear herself talk? Proverb 18:2
  • Is she modest (this is a big part of self-control, and can also be under “beliefs”)?
    • The way she talks
    • The way she presents herself (attitudinal). A woman can dress modestly but still be immodest, and still give off a bad vibe.
    • The way she dresses (visual)
    • What are her motives behind her modesty?
      • Does she believe in modesty?
      • Is it moral/Godly for her to be modest?
      • Is it out of fear, or out of love?
  • Is she clean/organized?
    • Is she sloppy or lazy? Proverbs 26:14-16
    • Does she keep her place/car messy or clean?
    • How does she handle work/assignments?
  • Is she impulsive or thoughtful? Proverbs 19:2
    • Does she repeat foolish mistakes? Proverbs 26:11
  • Is she easily offended?
    • Proverbs 19:11
  • Is she insecure?
    • Is she very quiet, reserved, and shy?
      • Why?
    • Is she a lonely person
  • Is she conflict prone?
    • Does she have a habit of venting her feelings/opinions? Proverbs 29:11
    • Does she get caught up in conflict? Proverbs 20:3
    • Does she have a quick temper? Proverbs 14:29
  • Does she manipulate to get her way?
    • Does she use emotions or actions to pout or to get her way?
    • Does she use words to get her way?
    • Are any of her family members manipulative to her, or to you?

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